I’ve realized that the number one issue in my marriage is that I do not respect my husband.
It is not through any great failing of his own but because I have completely emasculated him by constantly trying to assert myself as the primary authority figure in our home.
The feelings of fear and insecurity that threaten to swallow me whole when he doesn’t step up like he ought to is what has propelled me into the role of leader. Or pack master if that makes the analogy more clear. It is a role that is foreign to me, that I am not well suited for, and that I do not want.
Let me explain in a little more detail... when the pack master shows signs of weakness or incompetence a rival will challenge him for authority, because a family NEEDS stability. Without that stability the family is in danger. I have tried to provide that stability when he has not, but I can’t and I don’t want to. It’s not my job, and its not what I signed up for. And by insisting upon asserting my self as leader I have left my husband feeling unecessary and incapable. I have never failed to voice my disappointment when he makes a bad call, thinking it was in the best interest of our marriage to maintan an open and completely honest dialogue. That's what all the magazines say, right?
Now don't get me wrong, communication is absolutely essential, but the way I was doing it was tearing him down and communicating to him that I thought he was a failure. And that's no way to treat the man I love. He is my husband, and the father of my children, my friend. He is supposed to be strong, decisive, assertive... The king of his castle. And yet I have abused him as no one would ever dare treat a king. It is now that I realize I should not be surprised by his behavior. I have taught him that even when he does the right thing its not acceptable, or it's not enough because he didnt do it just right. I have been overly critical and bossy. If I want him to be the leader I need to treat him with the respect his position is due, even when he messes up.
So what am I? What is my role?
I am a wife and a mother. A woman. And as a woman I am better suited to being a support role with a more quiet and subtle form of authority. I do not view myself as less important than a man, just simply different, with different skills that are complementary to those of a man. But am I not also a queen? My husband is the king of his castle, is he not? But if I am to expect him to treat me as a queen I must first treat him as the king I desire him to be.
Can or should a woman not be the primary authority in her home? She most certainly can, and should when the situation calls for it or when a male leader is not present or is temporarily incapable of leading, but she should only fill the role as the head of the household till such a time as the position can be given over to someone better suited to the task. Many of you may balk at this, I know I certainly would have just a few days ago. But I have since come to I know the impact and understand the impact of trying to play the male role when there is already a man there to fill it. It leaves me feeling like a mother to my husband, rather than a partner, and it leaves my husband feeling like I dont need him. I want him to return to the assertive, confident man he was when we met. And to do that I must abdicate the throne... and be willing to let it sit empty till he realizes it’s his rightful place.
GOD GRANT ME STRENGTH!